I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
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nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
no
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.