@nPhelendriqal

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

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@hmcpherson17

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

@HushJared

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

@Playing_Dad

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

@RobDenBleyker

Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!

@iamspacegirl

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

@MoistPork

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

@Gorrdano

I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.

@gavinprobably

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

@MoistPork

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.