I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
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Me checking my bank balance online.
I love texting my boyfriend
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Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
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My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My work here is done
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Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
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“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.