I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
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I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.