I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

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My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂


i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip


Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others


Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!


incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs


If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.


I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.


My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.


Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.