I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
You Might Also Like
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.