I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
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Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
🤣🤣💀
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut