i meant to share this earlier
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My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Guantanamo Bae
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no