I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
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My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you