I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
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My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
also my go-to takeaway order
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?