i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
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“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Webb. James Webb.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY