I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
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Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
never forget
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.