I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. đ
You Might Also Like
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Me, watching a tv series: âI would be a great CIA agent!â
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them weâre descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back theyâll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, âThis presentation gets a A.â So, no, I wasnât one of the cool kids
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Hey donât get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
âOh babe. All of that is for me?â
-Me, to my laundry basket.
When youâre 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and theyâre all dressed up as pretty princesses.
Thatâs me in a nutshell.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Every Monday I say to myself, âJim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.â Luckily, I am not Jim.