I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
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EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Practicing safe sax
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
This January has 47 Mondays
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.