I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
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[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.