I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
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[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
The smoothest fall of all time