I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
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Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.