I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
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Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Some people were born into their job.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing