I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
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I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
True statement👍😏😁
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.