I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. đđ
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i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty đ
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Once kids are awake my usage of the word âdonâtâ goes up 2000%
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Whereâs yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Iâm sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Therapist: So youâre sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
agenda 4 today:
â˘shower
â˘cheerios
â˘shower-cheerios?
⢔hike”
â˘Photograph a mountain lion
â˘get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
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