I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
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jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.