I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
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Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
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ouch
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
anyone else like Italian cereal
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you