“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
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My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
car not found