I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
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PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
The booster protects against what, now?
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice