Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

no!! no!!!!!!

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

couldn’t resist

the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.