I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
You Might Also Like
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws