I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
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To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
This is my favorite one of these!
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.