I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas