Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket

Guantanamo Bae

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]

Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.