I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
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Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
one last job
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
i smell a pulitzer
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.