i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
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My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.