I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
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BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.