I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
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Our lord and savoury.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
The internet is full of many things