“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
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Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
cry laughing at this shit
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I saw nothing
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done