I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”