I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
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I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
do what now??
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.