“i miss shittin on people”
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me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me