I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
You Might Also Like
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language