I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
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at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.