I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
You Might Also Like
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
It be like that sometimes 😆
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.