I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
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it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Cheers Twitter.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Only a mother’s love …
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.