@badbanana

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

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@tayandmae

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

@batkaren

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

@TheAlexNevil

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

@canadasandra

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

@PinkCamoTO

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

@Tmoney68

“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)

@StruggleDisplay

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

@Maxine12333

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

@AnOrangeSNES

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”