U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
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Yet the one time I did, I got banned
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Me, at my organ recital.
(Not even slightly sorry)
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”