I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

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U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good


KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction


2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year


Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.


Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free


“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.

(Not even slightly sorry)


Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.


Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.


“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”