I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
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If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I’m just playing devils avocado here