I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
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Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.