@whatsJo Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
@longwall26 I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
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@whatsJo 
@Izianikapani Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
@small_blunder Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
@JasonNotEvil Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
@Brampersandon_ [PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
@UnFitz This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
@RealLyndaCarter If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
@BDGarp I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
@gengen874 OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
@kwkorpi My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.