I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
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Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle