@longwall26

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

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@whatsJo

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

@Izianikapani

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

@small_blunder

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

@Brampersandon_

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

@UnFitz

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

@BDGarp

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

@gengen874

OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?

(knock, knock)

He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!

*My pizza delivery guy.

@kwkorpi

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.