I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
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Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?