i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
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Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
OMG 🤣🤣
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*