I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
You Might Also Like
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
The game has officially changed 😎
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!