I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
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Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Mad Max: Furry Road
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!