I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
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We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.