I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
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I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.