I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
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Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
No selfies while hijacking a train.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore