I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
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Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Ghost costume 😂