@KateWhineHall

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

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@TheCatWhisprer

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

@DanielRCarrillo

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

@bobvulfov

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

@ANastyGorilla

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

@Shariv67

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

@KevinHart4real

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

@shutupmikeginn

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

@farahfergie

The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems

@goodgrief_rats

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

@blonde_opinion

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me