I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
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My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!