@TheCatWhisprer ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
@KateWhineHall I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
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@TheCatWhisprer 
@DanielRCarrillo If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
@bobvulfov chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
@ANastyGorilla If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
@Shariv67 The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
@KevinHart4real Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
@shutupmikeginn A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
@farahfergie The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
@goodgrief_rats I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
@blonde_opinion Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me